When Grief Doesn’t Follow A Timeline
Author: Meg Heinicke
Grief Has Seasons of Its Own
The poet/writer Kahil Gibran wrote in his book The Prophet, “Accept the seasons of your heart even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields, and you would watch with serenity through the waters of your grief”. Losing a loved one is part of the human condition. All of us will experience death and mourning someone close.
For many of us, there are losses that linger and the pace of grief feels arbitrary and without end. For some, the seasons of the heart feel anything but acceptable, as the Winter of grief does not easily pass.
There Is No “Right” Way to Grieve
Most of us are familiar with the Five Stages of Grief as developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance is a useful framework for loss, but we know that these stages ebb and flow.
Our relationship to grief is as individual as the love you shared. There is no “right” way to feel in the wake of loss.. Here, you can review common reactions to grief and how to recognize if you might benefit from treatment.
How Grief Affects the Mind, Body, and Relationships
Losing a loved one can cause disruption to our emotional and physical states. Relationships might also be affected, should the grief lead to withdrawal or isolation.
From an emotional perspective, feelings of sadness and loneliness are most common. One might experience anger and fear in certain circumstances. Psychologically, there may be avoidant behavior and an inability to allow ourselves to “feel the feelings”. On the contrary, some may be unable to stop thinking about their loved one. Physiologically, we might notice sleep patterns disruptions, hormonal changes related to stress or immune system variation.
When Grief Feels Stuck
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the criteria for a diagnosis called Prolonged Grief Disorder requires distressing symptoms of grief that continue for at least 12 months following the loss of a close attachment. This is also referred to as Complicated Grief.
It is estimated that 1 out of 10 people experience PGD. Circumstances of the death matter of course, as does the nature of the attachment. For most people, the grief does lessen over time. However, even in non-disordered grief, the waves of sadness can rise and fall for years after a loss. When emotions feel overwhelming and cause significant distress or interfere with functioning, mental health treatment can help.
Therapeutic Support for Prolonged Grief
An approach called Prolonged Grief Treatment (PGT) is specifically designed to help people who feel stuck in their grief. This is a short-term treatment that targets healing and goal-setting. Therapists who are trained in this intervention are prepared to meet grievers exactly where they are, designing individual plans to help them accept and process their new reality. The approach is about adaptation and not simply “moving on”. There are other evidence based psychotherapies for prolonged grief which include:
Grief focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Narrative Therapy
Exposure Therapy
Interpersonal Psychotherapy
In addition to these, grief support groups can be tremendously helpful.
Integration: Living With Grief, Not Erasing It
Carl Jung gave us the concept of Integration as a concept of grief. This is a process by which we can fully feel and process the emotion of grief, without trying to erase it. As AGP clinician Sarah Murray wrote in this beautiful blog post: With loss, there is also a lot to gain and if we allow ourselves to notice it, to feel it, gratitude appears in the most simplest of moments and we are more present, more alive and more gentle with ourselves and others.
Grief therapy involves moving through the pain, and a therapist can guide you. The loved one is remembered, and celebrated, as the relationship is honored.
We might also consider what the writer Susan Cain calls “A healthy dose of melancholy” (Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, Susan Cain 2022). This connects our grief to our own mortality and reminds us that there is beauty in embracing the melancholy. By moving toward integration, one can move away from the kind of grief which constantly preoccupies the mind. We expect and anticipate that there may be periods where the intense grief re-emerges. With integration, as well as time and patience, these waves become less intense. Memories can be embraced and felt deeply, sorrow and all.
Whatever pain or loss you might be experiencing, it is possible to grow with grief and carry the love with you. Reflecting back to the Gibran quote, finding serene waters takes time and that time is never the same.
With the stillness, there is now greater depth.