Holiday Family Dynamics: How to Understand Yourself When Old Patterns Resurface

Author: Alysha Ackley

Gathering with family and loved ones during the holidays doesn’t always bring the warmth or cheer we expect. Just because it’s the holiday season does not mean everything suddenly feels joyful or easy. There are often unspoken expectations, that this time of year should look a certain way, that we should show up, participate, feel grateful, and gather with specific people simply because it’s tradition.

For many adults, returning to these extended family systems can awaken old roles, and unresolved dynamics. Even when we’ve grown, healed, or changed, family environments have a powerful way of pulling us back into familiar patterns. The version of you that exists in your everyday life may feel very different from the one that shows up around family.

Maybe you notice that you and a sibling argue more or raise your voices when you’re home, even though that feels out of character. Perhaps you feel guilt when your mother tells you that you “should” attend a party, even when you know it wouldn’t be good for you. You might notice yourself feeling unusually reactive, withdrawn, anxious, or emotionally younger than you expect. These responses are not failures, they are nervous system memories shaped by long standing relationships. 

If this resonates, here are a few gentle ways to support yourself during the holidays:

Plan Ahead: Spend some time reflecting on what it feels like to be with certain people or in certain places. What tends to come up for you? What have past experiences been like? How have you coped before, and what worked (what didn’t)? Is there anything you can do differently this time, even in a small way?

Give Yourself Grace: You may not respond or feel the way you wish you would in an ideal situation. You might feel disappointed in yourself or frustrated that old patterns resurface. Try to remember that you are doing the best you can with the tools you have. Growth does not mean perfection, it means awareness and compassion.

Boundaries: Know your limits when possible. If you can plan ahead and let your aunt know you’ll only be attending the holiday party for an hour, that’s a meaningful boundary. And if you don’t know what you need until you’re already there, that’s okay too. If you need a break, take one. Step outside, go to the bathroom, excuse yourself from a conversation, or say a brief goodbye to the host. Protecting your energy is not rude, it’s necessary.

The holidays can be complex and layered. If you find yourself struggling, know that you’re not alone. Find the small joys where you can and be true to your needs.

I have also linked a previous blog from a few years ago that still rings true today. This further highlights what you may be feeling and provides more tools and understanding.