Diagnosis: "New Mom"; AGP Therapists on Coping Skills for Motherhood
Author: Kara Lissy
“Yoga sure feels different these days”, I think as I sink my hips back into child’s pose, hoping to stretch out the sleepless energy that’s consumed me recently. For a moment, I long for my lazy, luxurious solo retreats to my mat where I can peacefully exercise on my own time, nothing plaguing my body or mind. A place where I honed the skill I call “being with” - being with negative thoughts, being with an uncomfortable pose, being with lingering stress of my to-do list in the background, being with myself. Being present.
A frustrated whine catches my attention on my right, where my daughter lies on her own mat. She is clutching her tiny toes in one hand and grabbing ferociously at a dangling toy elephant with the other. I sigh and smile, remembering that I’m redefining my definition of “present”.
As a therapist with an administrative responsibility at our practice as well as a brand new mom, I try to be gentle with myself. There are moments when I can only be present for one obligation at a time, but much of my “down time” now consists of trying to entertain this tiny human while half-heartedly doing something for myself.
I suspected I wasn’t alone in these musings, so while reflecting on what the School of Motherhood has taught me so far, I polled some new AGP therapist moms to get their thoughts too.
You won’t find all of the answers externally.
Social media and the internet are probably the biggest double-edged swords of the 20th century. I often wonder aloud to my friends, “how did our parents do it without Google?” It’s a relief that I can double-check a setting on my formula machine, or ask my home assistant to play “The Happy Song” when I see a meltdown coming on (parents, if you haven’t heard it, it’s a lifesaver).
And yet I caution you, new mama: don’t rely too heavily on technology for consultation. I often tell my clients, “Google does not have a degree”. Questions about the healthiest baby food or the average age of developmental milestones might be better suited for your pediatrician. Plus, whatever issue you seek help for is likely to reveal very polarizing opinions, which could make it even more difficult to trust yourself.
For instance, AGP founder and psychotherapist Kerrie Mohr found the two very binary camps on social media - the "attachment style" versus the "sleep trainers” - difficult and frustrating to navigate at times. With attachment theorists positing that we must all comfort our babies for them to feel secure, and sleep trainers feeling strongly that babies need to be able to soothe themselves, Mohr says: “both make you feel like you're failing! Parents need to do what is right for them, and it doesn't have to be the one way or the other way, or as they want you to think, the right way or the wrong way.”
There is a middle ground to be found amidst the overflow of information available at our fingertips. There are times when a quick answer helps us decide between waiting it out or going to a professional. But I’ve learned that when my fingers start itching for my phone, even if I find an answer I’m satisfied with, most of the time it’s validating what I already was going to do.
The challenges of motherhood itself are often not the biggest hurdles we face; rather, they are the moments of self-doubt and self-trust. Daniella Waknin, marketing director at AGP notes that her strength in this area happened gradually: “I realized that this is all normal for a new mom and that with time comes strength! I kept telling myself two specific affirmations: ‘I am the best mom for my daughter’ and ‘all she needs is me’ and that really helped ground myself.” I’ll definitely be adding those to my morning yoga affirmations!
Motherhood will put a mirror to your biggest insecurities and your biggest strengths.
New moms or expecting moms who previously have dealt with anxiety or its many high-functioning disguises (such as perfectionism, obsessive thoughts and micromanaging), are more likely to have some iteration of anxiety during the postpartum period. Similarly, those who struggled with self-critical thoughts, boundaries with family members, or insomnia might feel especially vulnerable in coping with these areas with a new baby.
But remember, your anxiety about motherhood doesn’t need to be formally diagnosed to be valid. Becoming a parent is a huge transition! Daniella Waknin, director of marketing at AGP says “I thought that as a mom, I'd know it all, but I had so many questions and things I didn’t know or feel confident with as a new mom. But it really took time and getting to know myself as a mom and for me to let go of these expectations in order for me to feel at ease and content with my decisions without adhering to anyone else's standards.” Which makes complete sense! Why should we suddenly be experts in an area where we previously had 0 life experience?!
Affirmations like Waknin’s above that are unique and true to you are a great way to quiet the other distracting, negative noise in your brain. I have found that taking time to journal and reflect about the day really helped me shift my thinking as well, a concept I wrote about in this Substack post.
Getting help from a therapist before baby is here to refresh your coping skills or to learn exercises like the above is immensely helpful. If you plan to need skills from your therapy toolbox when you are the most fatigued and compromised, it’s a great idea to practice them ahead of time when you are feeling strong.
The devil really is in the details.
Sleep is a unifying struggle for moms. Not just the baby’s sleep, but parents’ too. Hearing from friends and family how intertwined and fragile our sleep schedules would be, I poured all of my post-partum neurotic energy into learning all there was to know about sleep. I paid for courses, took notes and asked my husband to memorize all the acronyms. I became so obsessed with my baby’s schedule that I created a shared Google Sheet so anyone involved in her care could update me in real time. I distinctly remember telling my other mom friends: “I feel like the clock is ruling my life”. It was; if her naps got off schedule I would quickly unravel into a messy ball of worst-case scenarios.
It clicked one day that I will never be able to go back and relive some beautiful moments that I missed, because I was so focused on the clock. Sure, it makes sense to want to have control over whatever we can. But tiny, inconsequential details are not the place to do this. And yet, we can’t leave it all up to chance because then we’ll feel overwhelmed and helpless.
I decided it was time to practice what I preach to my clients and use an exercise that I call the zoom lens. I was caught up in minutiae, so it was time to “Zoom out”, or look at the bigger picture. I asked myself questions like, “Is this going to matter in 5 years?” or “If sleep schedules didn’t have to occupy my thoughts, what else would I focus on?” This practice allowed me to see that although my worries had helped me set up an excellent foundation, they were not going to carry me anywhere else productive. Zooming out allowed me to soften around the edges and enjoy the fruits of my labor (pun intended). I started attending more social events without ruminating about our schedule, and allowed myself to drop into the moment. Unchaining myself from these monotonous details freed me to feel lighter and more hopeful. And wouldn’t you know it, the world actually doesn’t end when she misses a nap!
There is no medal for doing it the hard way.
I’m not someone who asks for help easily, and being an independent person has fared pretty well for me. But I’ve seen a strange phenomenon happen with a lot of new mothers; there is a resistance to let on when we are struggling, unsure about something, or simply need an extra hand. The strong motherly instincts we have can easily blur the lines between protection and martyrdom if we aren’t careful.
It doesn’t help that mainstream and social media projects the ideal mom as someone who can “do it all!” She works, she cleans, she has a social life, a fantastic healthy relationship with her gorgeous partner, she cares for her children - and manages to capture it all in a 60 second Instagram Reel. Right.
What we don’t see is that mom might also be just one dirty diaper away from a meltdown. Refusing help and hiding your vulnerabilities is not good for anyone, including our babies. As new, tiny creatures learning to survive, they do rely on us to anticipate and fulfill their needs. But if our needs as moms are left unattended, this will unexpectedly trickle down and affect the rest of our family.
I’ve learned that asking for help is a muscle. It might be uncomfortable at first, but the more you exercise it, the easier it will come - and the stronger and healthier your life will get. If it helps, start with an “asking for help” hierarchy: from the bottom up, start with a help request that feels the least intimidating to you. From there, build up to your most vulnerable request. You can work on this with a therapist or a trusted mom friend.
Don’t water the seeds of resentment.
Becoming a parent, while beautiful and exciting, can also magnify some existing internal conflicts. Women in general tend to be more passive, conflict-avoidant and inclined to “keep the peace”. But motherhood is physically and emotionally taxing and we may find ourselves showing these signs of resentment:
Feeling more irritable or on edge than usual
Being set off by small stressors in a way that feels unnatural to you
Having thoughts in a sarcastic tone like “Wow, it must be nice” or “I do everything around here”
Wishing loved ones and caregivers would offer to help but not being vocal about your needs (expecting mindreading)
Resentment usually comes about when we feel we are being treated unfairly. Brené Brown points out that in her clinical experience, folks feeling resentment also had envy rooted in their experience. Perhaps you’re longing for more downtime, your old 9-5 work routine outside of the house, or less early morning wakeups. Whatever it is, the resentment won’t go away until you identify whatever need of yours is not being met. This might look like sharing your feelings (“I am feeling frustrated about doing all the overnight feedings”) or asking specifically for something you want (“I need you to help me wash all these bottles”).
Lean on your support system.
Motherhood is special for the same reasons that it is isolating. Whether you have welcomed your baby via birth, adoption or surrogacy, the emotional and physical preparations and pure love all create a unique kind of attachment that I don’t think is mirrored in any other kind of relationship.
Heather Sutter, LCSW therapist at AGP, says that having a support system is the main thing that stands out to her in terms of coping with the transition to motherhood. Leaning on family and other mom friends has helped her, but also this communication strategy: “I once read about a couple who checked in with each other each night and said, “I have had a tough day and am functioning at about 40% tonight”, and the other person knew that night they’d have to pick up the slack and give the other 60%. And the next day it could be the other way around. “ Effective communication is what makes our support systems work so well, and that includes being honest and vulnerable with friends who can relate. Sutter says, “As a parent, I have gotten the biggest relief and sense that I am not completely failing by talking to and seeing other moms who also don’t know what they’re doing. It’s nice to talk to those parents and feel validated. My motto as a mom has become - we’re all just doing the best we can!” Isn’t that the truth! And the beautiful part is that the word “best” can be subjective. Your best is not her best, and neither of your bests are going to be the same today as they are tomorrow.
When I’m finishing up my quick yoga flow, I glance over at my daughter’s playmat and she’s grabbing her feet, rolling gently back and forth, my very own Happy Baby. I smile because I realize my rumination, overthinking, routine obsessions and reluctance to ask for help are not going to change her love for me. She won’t grow up and say “I wish you had been more present when I was 5 months old”, but I might. As my colleague Ashli Bastio, LMFT says: “Our kids see the world through us. What we feel is what we wear, thus what they feel and can begin to wear. We have to show our kiddos that perfection is a facade and that we can all do hard things. My priority is for my son to believe in his goodness even when he is having a hard time, so I have to believe in mine too!”
Here’s to you, mom. Here’s to believing in yourself so your baby will know how to do the same! You got this! And at AGP, we’re here for you too.