Boundaries Beyond the Buzzword
Author: Leaman Westly, LCSW
Today I sent a voice note to my friend Lillian asking her what she thinks about boundaries. “Well it’s become very pop psych” she responded, “If you’ve spent any time out at a bar in Brooklyn recently you’ve heard people talking about boundaries.” As with popular things, the meaning has been diluted and also enriched. The idea of boundaries has come to reference a means of prioritizing a healthy relationship with oneself (think Simone Biles withdrawing from the Olympics) but also a means of controlling others (think Jonah Hill in Stutz).
The idea of boundaries represents a peak in weaponized therapeutic language. This has sparked some understandable suspicion. Words like “trauma”, “boundaries” and “safety” can wield power when used in certain contexts and by certain individuals. A boundary can feel like something we smack down in the middle of an argument to end the conversation; “that’s my boundary.”
How we work with boundaries and whether or not we approve of them is rife with some of today’s most potent and complex questions playing out in our own homes. But perhaps our treatment of boundaries says more about the chronic uncertainty of our time than it does about what a boundary truly is. At its core, a boundary is a way of defining the self which has needs that differ from the needs of the relationship. In this blog I will explore how boundaries–when treated well–build essential relational capacity and add tremendous insight into ourselves as individuals and relational beings.
The need to set boundaries:
Usually, the need to set boundaries arises when we feel that our self-hood is being encroached on by another person. This is often the result of a two-person dynamic where the person who feels their boundaries are being violated has allowed the violation to happen.*** In my own experience with learning to set boundaries this is one of the most difficult, yet crucial things to recognize.
Harriet Lerner in The Dance of Anger uses the term “De-selfing” to refer to losing one’s self in order to preserve a sense of harmony or stability in relationships. This is often a learned means of trying to protect our most vulnerable selves from very real threats through denying our own needs. We may even be able to convince ourselves that denying the existence of those needs is in service of our relationships. But if left unchecked, de-selfing can have corrosive, even disastrous, effects on self-esteem and the health of our most important connections.
What a boundary is and isn’t:
Our resistance to change through setting healthy boundaries is often based on self-defeating beliefs about what the other person’s response will be: they will be too defensive, they won’t be able to hear it or, the coup de gras, they will never change. Though it may seem paradoxical, stepping back from blaming others is a huge step towards gaining more agency in relationships. Each of us must take full responsibility for determining, setting and maintaining our boundaries in our relationships with others regardless of how the other person reacts.
Setting a boundary is telling the other person what you are going to do, not what you want them to do. We hope the other person will change, and maybe they will! But if they do it’s more likely to be a result of what you are willing to do than what you want them to do. By keeping our boundary setting independent of the reactions of others, we ensure that the path to positive change is squarely within our reach.
What else to expect:
Expect cyclical progress. As you learn to choose when and where to enforce your boundaries, you’ll experience conflicts of varying intensity and sizes. Don’t expect that the deeper relational conflicts will disappear the first time you hold a boundary (i.e. your overbearing father isn’t likely to see you as an adult immediately after you decide to choose the major you are interested in, rather than the one he wants you to pursue). Asserting one’s boundaries will likely require a series of ruptures and repairs. The stronger the foundation of the relationship, the more likely the relationship will be to survive these changes. But as those new to setting boundaries will find, the sense of safety that comes with the ability to say no is well worth the tumult.
Don’t expect your boundary to be understood or even respected. Boundaries initiate a relational change. Your relationship partner may feel thrown or even threatened. It’s not infrequent that when confronted with a boundary the other person will (often unconsciously) attempt countermoves which may include triangulation or even escalation in an attempt to get you to change back. If you can remain calm and continue to hold to your boundary without falling into guilt or cutting off completely from your loved one, you will be successful.
Do boundaries make us closer, or further apart?
A boundary is something we should all know how to use and endeavor to be comfortable with. If we spend too long in the de-selfing position we will eventually become strangers to ourselves and to those who seek to know us. A lack of boundaries is inauthentic and confusing to those who want to know who we truly are and what we need. However, like any tool, a boundary can be a weapon in the wrong hands. When we get in touch with the desire to set boundaries we brush up against something powerful within ourselves; oftentimes something with a fierceness or intensity that may surprise us.
At their best, boundaries offer the opportunity to bring more of our authentic selves into our relationships, and are an invitation for others to do the same. Navigating our boundaries can be more than sharpening them against others or ignoring them. When we can bring this powerful part of self into balance with the needs of our most cherished relationships we can create something else: a way to be close without obliterating our differences.
***Boundary setting in relationships which involve large power differentials, domestic or intimate partner violence, or pose a risk to safety are obvious exceptions and should be treated with great care on a case by case basis with the support of trusted experts.